Don't know what to do for the best? Constantly ill!

[Starsky]

Star has got another lump that is on her neck but it's big not in height, but covers a lot of space on her neck. Her other lumps seem a bit sensitive some days and she can be quite moody, so she is back on two bute a day.

I don't know what to do, whether to keep checking on these lumps and take note of every thing that changes in her behaviour even the smaller things so that i know and can keep on top of it, or whether to just leave her be, let her enjoy the time she has and just not worry about them ... but then i worry i will just ignore the big things that happen.

My problem is, every day i check her all over, and when i find things i think it over and over in my head and i end up making myself physically ill ... my mum is worried about me becuase whenever anything happens with my girl i end up being ill for the next week until something new happens.

I feel like i get no enjoyment out of anything anymore, i feel bored and unhappy, i have never felt like this before ... i can have a laugh ... i can enjoy myself ... but usually things would cheer me up and keep me happy for the rest of the day or whatever, but nothing does anymore. I love going to see star but a lot of days i feel dissapointed about how she is when i get there and then i feel like crap until i see her and she seems to be better, and then i get my hopes up just to have them knocked the next day.

Nothing is ever the same for star each day, she is well one day, worst the next.

I know i've proper whinged about how miserable i am ... its not that i dont want to care for her anymore ... its the fact i know that shes never going to get better, only worse ... i love everything about her ... and i just hate watching this :( :( :( :( :(

Im so sorry x

[XenaWarriorPrincess]

:( *huge hugs* So sorry Sarah, thinking of you.
xxx

[Starsky]

Thanks ... i just want you all to know, because of how it sounds the way i have written it ... i do NOT blame anything on star nor would i ever dismiss her just because of this and because it makes me feel bad, she is with me until the end ... but i just don't know what to do because i just feel so down/miserable/ill all the time ... so so so sorry for another stupid moan!

[so-n-so]

im really going to sound bad here but - if she was my horse or loan horse i would be tempted to put an end to her suffering now... before the bad days out weight the good.... the end days will stick in your mind and thats not the way to remember your girly.... by holding on and on will make start suffer.. if your finding lumps all over - sorry hun but its really spreading... she needs to go while shes still having some good days.. its no fun watching a happy pony become so in pain.

hugs to you and im sure i speak for everyone when i say we are here for you xxxx

[naurarwen]

Oh hun I really dont know what to say. Just want to let you know you can text or call me anytime, I think you still have my number *great big hugs to you and Star*

[bimba]

Can't imagine what you're going through hun, it must be soul destroying to see anybody or anything you love suffering xx

[beenie]

awww hun its so sad, i cant imagine how you are feeling but it must be horrible, hugs xxx

[Welly]

If you really know she is suffering, if she needs bute everyday to mask her pain, if there is no chance (however small) of her making a recovery from this, if she's not the happy pony we all know she is without pain.. maybe it is time to have a long discussion with her owner and vet.. However heartbreaking it will be for you, watching her in pain like this must literally be killing you inside.

You know with my boy we'd already decided to let him have the summer to play and graze peacefully, but then we were going to have him pts before the Winter took hold, because we knew he wouldn't make it through the other side and did not want him to be at risk of going down in the wet field and us not being able to get up the track to him, or (sounds brutal I know) not being able to move his body back down due to the weight of the truck in a wet muddy track. Knowing I was on a countdown to losing him and watching him deteriorate was so terribly hard - it was like the wait for a holiday but for the worst thing I could imagine happening ever, ticking each day off as Autumn came closer, it was horrible. Thankfully fate stepped in and took him from us suddenly before the Summer ended, we could have carried on and tried to give him drugs to prolong his time with us, but what we would have been prolonging it for would have been selfish of us, he was never going to recover, never heal.. We were able to spare him the indignity he would have undoubtedly experienced.
I saw him change, watched him grow old, saw him covered in blood that last day, but in my mind I remember him as the sprightly little XC machine that he was, I remember the love, the affection, the partnership.. I can still smell his warm biscuity pony smell that I loved so much and hear his little gay sounding whinney! All the memories I have are stored up and will never leave me even though he's physically gone from my life.

Hugs to you whatever you decide xxx

[Starsky]

Thanks guys, i am going to speak to her owner tonight, she came down last night and the time she was there it seemed like nothing was wrong with her ... but she doesnt see her every day and have to take the bad days as well as the good, and its so hard to get her to come down and then her be absolutely fine because then i feel like an idiot!!
I will speak to her tonight, she is not exactly suffering or in pain, its the face i can see different lumps and knowing things aren't going to get better, and like you say, i do feel like it is killing me.
I will see what she says, thank you so much for these replies, i just don't want to do the wrong thing, i want to every decision right by Star but i dont know what is right!!

[Welly]

You will do the right thing by Star sweetheart, you know her and although you may not think it, you have been fantastic through all of this, Star could not have wished for any more, and I promise you I am not just saying that to make you feel better about yourself, I honestly mean it.
I did worry about what I posted in case you took it as me being harsh or not caring but I hope you know me well enough to know that is never the case.

Am here for you if you need me xxx

[ness]

It must be so hard for you Sarah. I agree with Welly-ask the vet to come and see her again and take his advice. You are being so brave, just let the vet guide you, Star knows that her mum will do her best for her. Love and hugs and a pat for Star form me, Nessx

[Osci]

I think i would be leaning towards making a decision now if it were me. I dont want to come over as being harsh or uncaring.. you have to consider quality of life over quantity/length of life. If she is really suffering & getting slowly worse then its not fair on you & its not fair on Star. You have been a fantastic mum to Star & she wouldnt have asked for more, please get in touch with the vet & her owner for a serious chat as its obvisually breaking your heart & you want to remember the good times when she is gone not have months & months of watching her suffer. HUGE HUGS to you & to Star.

[CityLights]

Im sorry it sound sharsh but if she were mine i would of put her down, i know its so so hard to do, Dennis was colicing and having him put down was the hardest thing i ever had to do but afterwards it feels better you know you have done right by them, if there is nothing else you can do for them, and you have tried you have given her all the care she needs its often best to call it a day for her and you, you cant both keep going through this and getting stuck in the horrible cycle,

take her out for one last nice walk out let her have a really good time see things and enjoy her self and maybe then say good bye to her.

i know its tough i only saw Dennis get worse over a few hours or so Im not sure i would of been able to cope over the months you've been struggling trhough

[Loony]

I agree with the rest too. I know you said that she seems happy etc, but waiting until she's unhappy won't do any of you any good. You want to remember her at her best, not when she's gone downhill again. I know she might seem perky, but with all the lumps in her body, she will know that she isn't healthy.

Its probably gone too far now, and I know you'd always want to do whats best for Star. Huge hugs xxxx

[Starsky]

Just spoken to her owner, the vet is hopefully coming out at the weekend to talk things through with us and stuff x

[Roan Mare]

I do agree with the others and have nothing more to add, but I wanted to say that I'm so, so sorry and wish you all the best at this awful time.

Big hugs xxx

[My Crazy Clan]

Sorry hun, I wish all this would magically disappear for her, its so hard on both of you.

[Gillian]

I am so so sorry Sarah, I really am. I can't think of anything else to say, just that I'm thinking of you x

[black crow]

You always know what i think Sarah from our chats on MSN, so i'll keep it short, something i've always lived [and worked] by

Better a day too soon, than an hour too late. You will know when the time is right, when the days of suffering and pain are more than those which are lived pain free. It is a seriously hard choice, but one that will benefit her in the end, even if it makes it seem furthest from it. To alleviate her suffering is the kindest gift of all, even though it hurts us for a long time afterwards.

Holding onto the smallest signs of being better can sometimes be the thing that pulls them through, but in other cases such as Star's, it will slowly destroy your own happiness because you know what is coming.

All i can say now to you is do what is best for her, and her alone. What would you advise someone if it wasnt you?

Keep your memories safe and secure of her in happier times. The most heart wrenching thing is for those great memories to be covered over by the last ones of them suffering.

Big big hugs, you know where i am xxxxx

[Starsky]

What would you advise someone if it wasnt you?


You're so right ... i know what my answer is, even though its the worst thing ever x

[chescar]

Just...take care, you know what's right for Star. x

[Starsky]

Her bad days are not yet outweighing the good, she is just struggling a little more and 2 bute a day is no longer taking away ALL the pain, and if it takes more than 2 bute a day to stop anything hurting then its not the route i want to take.
Tonight has been horrible she was awful, whenever i went near her lumps on her leg where the initial lump was she tried to bite me twice and kept threatening to kick me, she was fine when i put her to bed though, he mood just changed at a click of your fingers, i don't think i've done the wrong thing in letting her have these few weeks since my other post about it, i think she has enjoyed going out riding and being pampered as always and i think we have become even closer, i don't feel like i could know my pony any better than i do, but then i didnt think i could love her anymore than i do, but each and every day my heart grows more and more for her, but at the same day each day my heart breaks more and more seeing her and knowing what is coming and that she is never going to get better.
I still see her sparkle that i managed to find a few months into loaning her, i still see that look in her eyes that i saw every day from day 1, i still see that pony, that lovely little pony the best pony i could have ever wished for and her cheeky charactor every day, and i want her to keep that ... and it to end that way ...

[Fruddy]

I'm so sorry Sarah.

Thinking of you both.

xxx

[black crow]

Big big hugs

I know its hard, but just try to think, every time she pricks her ears, she doesnt know, its you that does. She will prick her ears to the end. Thats what got me through losing my two girls, it is a horrible thing to have to do, but i the end it is the right one

I know im a bit sentimental after having Bluie put down yesterday, but its the same thinking for any animal, horse, budgie, dog etc

I miss him terribly, but i have a very strong sense of relief knowng that i helped stop him suffering, even if im the one left behind dealing with it. It's the same thing with any animal, to lift the burden of an earthly bodies troubles is a wonderful gift, and saying goodbye NEVER means forgetting unless you choose that

I know it will bring so little comfort right now, but she will be thankful xxxxx

[Evening Star]

I'm so sorry Sarah, I really wanted you to have some more time with her but its not right if she's in pain.
The kindest thing for her right now is to let her go, you've been the best mum for her and she loves you for that.
*squishies*