Not coping well on EW

[fofo]

I am living my life and loving my horse and riding but deep deep down I have this well of pain and grief that pours out when I stop and let it or when I come on here.

I can't see an end to this pain of loss and despair.

I have his smelly fleece in the car and I cuddle it and smell it because it still smells of him. I play videos of him and stroke him on the screen. I'm like a person gone mad with grief.

I don't know why I am writing this except that I need to put it down somewhere.

I know it will ease with time but this loss is deeper and darker than anything.

When I am on the forum I cry continuously. I never knew I could produce so much snot!

Maybe I should stay away but then I feel I am blocking him out.

[Elliebellie]

Oh Jane.... I am so sorry you are having to feel this loss. It is such early days though and I think completely normal. Mr Stan was your lifefor so long. Thats the thing with horses - we revolve our days around them - getting up in the morning to go see to them and finnishing up our day with them before heading home to bed. It's never going to be easy when they are no longer with us but I think you can completely rest assured that you did absolutely the best thing for your special boy. He was in so much pain and you ended that before it was too late.

Big hugs Jane xxxx

[Starsky]

you do whatever you need to, but you know every single one of us is here to talk to about Stan if you ever need to, you cant grieve to much, everyones difference, and i cant imagine how hard it is for you, all i can say is do whatever you need to, and i along with everyone else, am only a pm away, chin up jane xxxxxxxxxxx

[Horse Mad Mum]

Oh Jane, its part of the grief of losing your golden boy, In lots of ways you didnt really have time to adjust, in the early summer it looked like he would have along and happy retirement, then things changed and you had the make the hardest decision of your life, and you did the right thing , freeing him ........although the hardest for you. You shared (and still do ) a deep bond, and he lives on in your heart, he would not want you to be sad he wishes you new adventures with Teg (and he will be beside you both ) sending you big hugs and a box of tissues, at least here you can talk to us about Stan , we all understand what having a horse means to us, they are our very lives and reasosn forputting up with all the other **** life throws at us HMM XXXX

[chescar]

Oh hun - I was exactly the same.
I didn't look at photos though or hug or smell anything of Troy's. I couldn't as it hurt so much.
I have only just been able to do that, and I can do it now and smile.
I still cry, a lot, but usually when I'm not thinking about him - it just creeps up.

Maybe try putting things away for a time you can get them out again and have a cry but a nice sort of cry and a smile too. You will know when that time is right.

If coming on here upsets you, leave it for a while or just come on and read posts.

I very rarely post about Aero - can't do that yet and I hope people understand why - I'm sure they do.

I'm always here Jane.

And remember - your reaction is perfectly normal - we would be more worried about you if you were'nt upset - you life has been turned upside down, but it will right itself in time.
x

[gem]

Oh Jane I'm so sorry. What Sarah said is right though, you can't grieve too much. Especially at this stage. Crying is so good for you. It's the best way to pour out the grief. Don't try and make yourself stop xxx

[IrishGreenSheep]

Oh Jane, I am so sorry to hear that.

I can relate to how you are feeling in a way, when my dog Jack was put to sleep I felt like I was going mad with grief. Like you I used to watch videos and look at pictures and stroke them.

One day I picked up a teddy I had on my bed and found one of his hairs on it, I cried for hours.

It took a long time for me to get over him being gone but I eventually did. Almost three years later I still have occassional teary moments, like seeing a collar in a pet shop that was just like his.

For me, the easier thing for me was to cry and cry and just get it all out of my system. There was no way I could cope with bottling it up.

I guess my advice to you is to have a box of tissues close by and to cry and cry, eventually the tears will turn to smiles and you will look back on your time with Stan and remember the happiness, not the sorrow xxx

Big hugs

[angietoots]

Can't say anything more than the others have already put so perfectly Jane.
Loads of EW hugs, we are here for you no matter how often or not you want or need to be here. It will take time - and it is a great healer, but you will never forget, and will always love Stan, he would want you to be happy and honour what he has taught you by passing that on to Teg.
xx